Why do men not go to therapy?
Men don’t go to therapy for 3 reasons (in my opinion). The first reason involves the negative perception of men talking about their emotions. Starting from boyhood, males are told that talking about feelings is weak and that having feelings like anxiety, depression, sadness, etc., is feminine. They are told “Man up”, “Suck it up”, “Boys don’t cry”, and many other toxic beliefs that are only reinforced throughout life. When young girls cry or show big emotions, they are validated, comforted, and soothed. Boys, on the other hand, are isolated, punished, made to feel bad about their emotions, and taught how to suppress what they’re feeling instead of how to process and soothe. Given all this, it makes sense that boys grow up into men who don’t wanna talk about their emotions with anyone.
The second reason pertains to men’s mindset about what therapy looks like. Many men view therapy as simply talking about feelings and crying (I blame Hollywood stereotyping). The truth is, therapy is not that simplistic. Therapy is a relational process where a highly trained and caring clinician joins you as a fellow traveler on your journey of life, offering guidance, support, insight, whatever you need as you carry on towards the goals you are pursuing through therapy. Therapy is not just asking a dozen variations of “How does that make you feel?” or “Tell me more about that”. Therapy is, in a nutshell, a conversation where you gain insight about yourself, i.e., your behaviors, character, identity, thoughts, feelings, patterns, and past, your relationships, your current struggles/circumstances, your past, and your future, and turn those insights into action towards the life and person you want to be.
The final reason I believe men don’t go to therapy is that men believe that therapy is only for when things are going really badly in life. They tend to think therapy is only for those who are at rock bottom or facing significant distress and need long-term support. Again, this cannot be further from the truth. Therapy is for anyone in any life situation with any goal. Therapy can help you learn skills that take you from being good in your career and relationships to being great. Therapy can also be used for short-term support during hard life transitions by providing you with the space to vent and destress and helping you gain new insights and perspectives. Therapy can help you accomplish whatever it is you are looking for.
